SARAH
Wednesday’s funnies courtesy of ESPN… 
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.’ The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’ The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.’ Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. ‘See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’ The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
‘Your badge! Show him your badge!’
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s a s all the way to Egypt.”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?}
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?” She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!” She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!” Then she said, “And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn’t afford?” Once more she answered saying, “Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here.”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that b l o w job I promised you? Here it comes . . .”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f/u/c/k your brains out, and suck your t.i.t.s dry.”Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?” He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think
Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.” The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.” “It’s worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.” The priest said, “By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.” Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.” And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts j/e/r/k/i/n/g off. The worker on 5th floor gets so p/i/s/s/e/d off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f/u/c/ k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!” The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?” The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.” The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.” The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death! The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?” Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.” “Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked. “When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!”
=================== The VIRGIN
It was her first time. She put him off for awhile searching for anexcuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approached her.
As she laid back, her muscles tightened. He asked if she is afraid and she shook your head bravely. He has had a great deal of experience and his finger finds the right place the very first time. He probed deeply and she shivered; her body
tensed; but he was gentle as he had promised he’d be. He looked deeply within her eyes and told her to trust him — he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxed her and she opened wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She anxiously began to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly took his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As he pressed closer, going deeper, she felt the tissue give way; pain surged throughout her body and she felt the slight trickle of blood as he continued. He looked at her, concerned, and asked if he was hurting her. Her eyes filled with tears but she shook her head and nodded for him to go on. As he began moving in and out with skill she became too numb to feel
him within her. After a few frenzied moments, she felt something
bursting within her and he pulled it out of her. She lay panting, glad to it was over. He looked at her, smiling warmly, telling her, with a chuckle; that she had been his most rewarding experience ever. She smiled and thanked her dentist.
After all, it was her first time having a tooth pulled.
Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together. Shrek said, ‘I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure? Brad Pitt said, ‘I’m pretty sure I’m the hottest man alive but I’ve never had it confirmed. ‘Jennifer Lopez agreed. ‘I’m told I’m the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes, I wonder. ‘They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen’s mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. ‘Well, it’s true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.’ Brad Pitt followed and boasted, ‘It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the hottest man alive!!
Jennifer Lopez walked in, head bent, tears in her eyes and asked, “Who in the hell is desilu?”
Murder at Wal-Mart
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie. ‘Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor……..The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling t o leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared …
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!’
How would you like it?
A man left work one Friday afternoon to go home. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck! When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?’ He replied, ‘that would be fine with me.’ Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye………..
Your Hair Smells Nice
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: ‘What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?’ The woman replies, ‘Its Keith. The midget.’
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm. “Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. .The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!” “I met a prince, Fairy Godmother he took care of everything.” “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!” “I can’t remember, exactly…Peter Peter,something or other….”
Possibly the best chicken joke ever…
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.” The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”
