Tennis Planet

Official Freaking Site Of Tennis Freaking Fans Worldwide.

Tennis Jokes

WARNING: THESE JOKES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY. FOR THAT, TRY THE FREAKING COMEDY CLUBS!!! 

Q. What do you serve but never eat?

A. A Tennis ball.
__________________________________

Q. Why you should never fall in love with a tennis player?

A. To them ‘Love’ means nothing.
__________________________________

Q. Why are fish never good tennis players?

A. They don’t like getting close to the net.
__________________________________

Q. Why is tennis a noisy game?

A. Because each player raises a racket.
__________________________________

For more, click here.

NON-TENNIS JOKES:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
> by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
> exchanges were actually taking place.

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________

> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
> attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____ _
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law.

Q. What do you call a dog with short legs and big balls?

Sparky.

Q. What is the difference between your job and your wife?

Your job will still suck after five years.

-New Yorkers are not supposed to be the most helpful freaks in the world. A tourist hesitantly walks up to a local and asks “Do you know which way is the Statue of Liberty or or or…. should I just go f@#$ myself”.

-Two flies are eating s…. One of them farts. The other says: “Please, I am eating here.”

-24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator…  
spacer
    

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!”

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

17. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

18. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

21. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

-English is becoming the international language of business. But you wouldn’t know it by these signs, reportedly spotted around the globe.

A Bangkok dry cleaner asks its customers to: “Drop your trousers here for best results.”

A Norwegian cocktail lounge isn’t asking for much:”Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

In the window of a Barcelona travel agency that may not last long: “Go away.”

A laundry in Rome proves it knows la dolce vita:” Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

Granted we live in a throwaway society. But I hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten until I was handed a leaflet advertising pest control.

“Dispose of pests humanely,” it read. “Reduced rates for seniors.”

-Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulders and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

-Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts. “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?

A soothing voice at the other end says “Don’t worry, I can help. First, lets make sure he’s really dead”.

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone

“Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. ” What do I do next?”

-Man goes to his doctor for check up. Doctor comes out with the
results and says- Bad news, you are dying and you don’t have much 
time.How long do I have-the man asks.
 Ten… says the doctor.
 Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!
 “Ten, nine, eight, seven…”
 
-Why is abbreviated such a long word?
 
– Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in a jet with 
20 kids. The engine fails and the plane is going down. They find 
out the plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela ,as a great 
humanitarian says that the children should have them. 
Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, “Screw the children”.
 Michael Jackson whispers, “Do we have enough time?”
 
-Did you hear about my dog? I named him Stay. It was great fun,
“Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane.
 
-Why is the Mexican Olympic Team so unsuccessful? Because anyone who
can run, jump or swim is in America right now.
 
– Car bumper stickers:
This is it, I don’t have another car.
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
I am out of bed and dressed. What more do you want.
I brake for no apparent reason.

For some more stupid freaking jokes, click here.

Jokes from RD:

Deer Heads to Barbed Wire

Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time …
– Ellen DeGeneres

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
– Jeff Foxworthy

I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost ten pounds and my driver’s license.
– Larry the Cable Guy

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
– Emo Phillips

Garbagemen come at 5 a.m. Why? They’re picking up garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
– Dave Attell

I will clean house when Sears makes a vacuum you can ride on.
– Roseanne

LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it’s their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.
– Conan O’Brien

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
– Mitch Hedberg

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.
– Bob Hope

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
– Jay Leno

I constantly walk into a room and I don’t remember why. But for some reason, I think there’s going to be a clue in the fridge.
– Caroline Rhea

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
– George Carlin

You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18. By the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.
– Robin Williams

Death to Batman

I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
 — Woody Allen

What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
 — Mike Birbiglia

Jews and blacks express our suffering differently—blacks developed the blues, while Jews complain. We just never thought of putting it to music.
 — Jon Stewart

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
 — Steven Wright

In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him. They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them.
 — Brian Kiley

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
 — Steve Martin

My problem is I belong to so many anonymous groups, everybody knows who I am.
 — Nancy Redman

If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
 — Richard Jeni

What if there were no hypothetical situations?
 — John Mendoza

Did you know that Americans spent $48 million on lottery tickets last year? “What are you doing for your retirement?”
“Uh, Powerball.”
 — Wanda Sykes

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think—in a deeper voice.
 — Bill Cosby

Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing: two topless men … in silk shorts … fighting over a belt.
 — Ant

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 — Brian Kiley

My wife has tons of credit cards. She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse points north.
 — Peter Sasso

I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.
 — Alonzo Bodden

Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. I’d like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood.

“Robin?”

“Yes, Batman?”

“Didn’t we park the car right here, man?”
 — Dave Chappelle

Bloodstains to Baywatch

So they’re showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now.
– Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you tell a highway it’s adopted? I think around seven because that’s when they start wondering, Hey, I don’t look like the Kiwanis Club.
– Zach Galifianakis

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called “new-car interior.”
– Rita Rudner

I had my identity stolen a few months ago, and my credit actually improved. I’m dating now, have a new car. Life is good.
– Steve Moris

A new computer virus is going around. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with real cards.
– Craig Kilborn

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.
– Milton Berle

About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died. I got really depressed because it was like, Damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
– Demetri Martin

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
– Robin Williams

Michael Jackson is the spokesperson for people who cut off their noses to spite their face.
– Dennis Miller

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
– Joan Rivers

I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled-up magazine.
– Will Shriner

You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
– Jeff Foxworthy

Don’t touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one.
– Stephen Colbert

I asked my brother-in-law why he was wearing my raincoat. He answered, “You wouldn’t want me to get your suit wet, would you?”
– Henny Youngman

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species. That may be, but I think there’s one other thing: We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
– Jeff Stilson

Men can read maps better than women. ’Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.
– Roseanne

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned … and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”
– Bill Maher

When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates. The cashier was like, “That will be ten pounds.” I’m like, “Rub it in, why don’t you?”
– Carol Leifer

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
– Jason Love

As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in school.
– Larry Miller

NASA says they have proof that parts of Mars were once submerged under water, which means it could have supported life. Of course, water doesn’t always mean intelligent life— you remember Baywatch?
– Jay Leno

100 reasons to be thankful you are a man. 

1. There is no #1 reason, and that’s okay
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female
3. Child birth
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
5. Monday Night Football
6. Belching is cool
7. Your bathroom lines are always 80% shorter
8. You can open all your own jars
9. Old friends don’t give a crap if you’ve lost or gained weight
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind
11. Screw up the laundry once, never allowed to do it again
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
13. All your orgasms are real
14. Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17. You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine’s day card
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19. Your last name stays put
20. You can understand Homer Simpson
21. You never get a stupid Love Quiz in GQ
22. You can kill your own food
23. The garage is all yours
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25. Big Breasted Stripper days on Jerry Springer
26. We’re treated like royalty when we’re sick
27. You never have to clean the toilet
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she is still your friend
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
35. You don’t have to shave below the neck
36. Scratching your ass is just fine
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices
38. You can write your name in snow
39. Beer is a food group
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour
41. Chocolate is just another snack
42. You can be president
43. Going to the gym to look at the aerobic girls is called ‘working out’
44. Flowers fix everything
45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings
46. You get to think about sex 90% of the day
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48. Three pairs of shoes are enough
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store
50. A ‘mood swing’ is a place, with a swing, where you get sex.
51. Foreplay is optional
52. Falling asleep right after sex
53. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55. Middle aged, big gut? No problem, it’s expected.
56. Underwear lasts longer than most marriages
57. Car mechanics tell the truth
58. The belly button is a fantastic place to store corn chip crumbs
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me
60. The world is your urinal
61. Wake up, shower, eat, brush your teeth, leave… max 15 minutes.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
64. One mood, all the time
65. Your virginity is never ‘taken’ away. You’d gladly give it to anyone that asks.
66. Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old bitches.
67. You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
69. Same work…more pay
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72. It’s OK to marry a girl much younger than you if you have money
73. It’s OK to cop a free feel when you cuddle.
74. With 400 million sperms per shot you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75. You never have to wear high heels.
76. Sometimes women will fight over you, and you get to watch
77. The remote is yours and yours alone
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them
79. People never complain about men drivers
80. Drinking till you pass out is occasionally OK
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mom
83. Breast augmentation on your wife is a gift to both of you
84. You needn’t pretend you’re \”freshening up\” to go to the bathroom
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man, and you’re looking forward to it.
87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase \”F*** it!\”
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies
89. Dad always let you stay out late while your sister had to be in before midnight
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood
92. You’re expected to stink if you work out
93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet
95. If someone bothers you, you just don’t talk to them and problem solved.
96. Telephone company commercials don’t make you cry
97. Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them
98. Girls play Barbie. You had GI Joe
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere

Council Job.

A man goes to the Council to apply for a job. The Interviewer asks him
>
> “Have you been in the armed services?”
>
> “Yes” he says “I was in the Falklands for three years.”
>
>
> The interviewer says “That will give you extra points toward employment”
>
> And then asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
>
> The guy says “Yes 100%… a land mine blew my testicles off.”
>
> The interviewer tells the guy “OK. I can hire you right now. The hours
> are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
> 10:00AM.”
>
> The guy is puzzled and says “If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM,
> then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”
>
> “This is a council job” the interviewer replies, “For the first two
> hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in
> for that.”

Bono and Bono.

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the Entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
 
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland , he asked the audience for total quiet.
 
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
 
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
 
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet…
 
“Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!”

I overheard one of you freaks in the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying:
“Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom
but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
“Doin’ just fine!”
And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question.

 
 

 

 
 
  
  

 

 

-When people marry more than once, it’s called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it’s called monotony.

-The doctor’s office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at his usual snail’s pace. After waiting for two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.

“Where are you going?” the receptionist called out.

“Well,” he said, “I figured I’d go home and die a natural death.”

-What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?

“Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.”

-The kids had been begging for weeks, so their mom finally gave in and bought them a hamster. But just as she had feared, she was the one who wound up taking care of it.

One evening exasperated, she sat them down and asked, “Why did you even want that darn thing? How many times do you it would have died if I hadn’t been looking after it for you?

“I don’t know,” her son said. “Once?” 

 

 

 “Can I come over?”Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, “No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!”Then I hear the guy say nervously…
 “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!

46 Responses to “Tennis Jokes”

  1. Robert Pitt said

    Love your site, you have some very good jokes. I’m going to bookmark it so I can come back

  2. Bess said

    Your “Sparky” joke has apparently lost its humor in being passed around so many times. Here is the original joke:

    What do you call a dog with only two front legs and steel balls? Answer of course is Sparky.

    Why would a dog with short legs and large balls be called Sparky??? He would just be a dog whose balls HURT.

  3. dee said

    Cool! I love jokes. Was I really under the rock??? This is like a maze. There are so many sections that I never been. Now I check ‘recent comments’ first, and thanks to Bess, landed here.
    Good one !

  4. Sarah said

    Three men catch a mermaid. The mermaid grants each man one wish to let her go. The first man says, “I want to be 40% smarter. The mermaid makes him 40% smarter. The second man says, “I want to be 60% smarter. The mermaid makes him 60% smarter. The third man says, “I want to be 100% smarter. The mermaid says, “100% smarter are you sure?” “You might feel different.” The man says yes, “Make me 100% smarter. The mermaid says, “Okay and turns the man into a woman!”

  5. Katie said

    Love it Sarah!

  6. Rstoff said

    I got a tennis joke…
    Jim and Jack go to the court and they have an argument because they don’t know what balls to use. Jack says “The only balls I whack are my own”… they use jacks balls

  7. Sarah said

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
    He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
    ‘Dear Lord:
    I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
    I want her to know what I go through.
    So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
    Amen!’

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
    He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
    Awakened the kids,
    Set out their school clothes,
    Fed them breakfast,
    Packed their lunches,
    Drove them to school,
    Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
    Took it to the cleaners
    And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

    Went grocery shopping,
    Then drove home to put away the groceries,
    Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
    He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
    Then, it was already 1P.M.
    And he hurried to make the beds,
    Do the laundry, vacuum,
    Dust,
    And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
    Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
    Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
    Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

    After supper,
    He cleaned the kitchen,
    Ran the dishwasher,
    Folded laundry,
    Bathed the kids,
    And put them to bed.
    At 9 P.M .
    He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: –
    ‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
    I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
    Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
    Amen!’

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
    ‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
    You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
    You got pregnant last night.’

  8. bess said

    Rstoff (April 2):
    I don’t know what that means.
    Bess

    Sarah (April 10):
    That’s funny!
    Bess

  9. Sarah said

    Hi Bess:

    I thought it was just me. I don’t know what it means either. Maybe it’s a guy joke!

  10. Sarah said

    Officer, this is how the fight started…..

    I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

    So, we both pulled over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car…..and you know how you just get sooooo stressed,,,,and life….sometimes life seems like…….suddenly funny?

    Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

    He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me and he looks up in my face and says, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

    And I don’t know what possessed me officer, but I looked down at him and I said, ‘Well, if you’re not Happy — which one are you?’

    ……And that’s when the fight started.

  11. Dalia said

    Sarah, LMAO your jokes are so funny haha

  12. Dee said

    Ha, Ha, Sarah ,I like the Dwarf one. Haven’t got much time to visit here.

    Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

    The only question asked was:

    ‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the

    Food shortage in the rest of the world?’

    The survey was a huge failure because….:

    In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ means.

    In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what ‘honest” means.
    In Western Europe they didn’t know what ‘shortage’ means.

    In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ means.
    In the Middle East they didn’t know what ‘solution’ means.

    In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ means.
    In the USA they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ means.

  13. Dee said

    Sarah, I was thinking, You know, when the Dwarf said I am not happy, The lady could have said
    ” I can see that, You are Grumpy!!!!!”

  14. Sarah said

    A ‘dirty’ joke

    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

    ‘Are you the manager?’ she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    ‘Actually, no,’ he replied.

    ‘Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    ‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathed the bartender.. ‘Is there anything I can do?’

    ‘Yes. I need you to give him a message,’ she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    ‘What should I tell him?’ the bartender managed to say.

    ‘Tell him,’ she whispered, ‘There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.’

  15. Deep South Girl said

    this is not a tennis joke but I didn’t know which category it would fit in.

    I LOVE this–be sure to watch the flipper action and turn up the sound:

    http://www.neatorama.com/2008/03/11/dancing-walrus

  16. Deep South Girl said

    Here is a little exercise for you to test your brain. for something:
    Read out loud each word starting at the top and working your way to the bottom:

    Eye

    Yam

    sofa

    King

    stew

    pit

    ( I suppose you realize that you have to say the words at a good clip)

  17. Dee said

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    the English.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English..

    3 The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

    CONCLUSION
    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills you

  18. Dee said

    A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

    And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

    And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

    And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

    So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

    Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

    The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

  19. Dee said

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

  20. Sarah said

    Computers did have a Past

    Memory was something you lost with age
    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity
    A keyboard was a piano
    A web was a spider’s home
    A virus was the flu
    A CD was a bank account
    A hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    And if you had a 3 inch floppy ……
    ……. You just hoped nobody ever found out!!
    :)

  21. Dee said

    I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’
    ————————
    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’
    _____________________________________
    SUPERSEX
    ——————
    A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex…’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’
    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’
    ——————
    ROMANCE
    ——————
    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.. She said: ‘You used to hold my hand when we were courting.’ Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: ‘Then you used to kiss me.’ Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: ‘Then you used to bite my Neck.’ Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked.
    ‘To get my teeth!’
    _____________________________________
    DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
    ————————————–
    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,’Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!’ An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, ‘An elephant?’ Bessie thinks a minute and says, ‘Close enough.’
    _____________________________________

  22. Dee said

    Happy mother’s day on the 10th May.

    25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
    ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    ‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
    ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
    ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    ‘Stop acting like your father!’

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    ‘Just wait until we get home.’

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    ‘You are going to get it when you get home!’

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.’

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don’t come running to me.’

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
    ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    ‘You’re just like your father.’
    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    ‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    ‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    ‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’

  23. Anonymous said

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    ____________ _________ _________

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
    ____________ _________ ________

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
    ____________ _________ ________

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    ____________ _________ ________

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
    ____________ _________ _________

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
    ____________ _________ _________

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
    ____________ _________ ________

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    ____________ _________ ________

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’ They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  24. Dee said

    Sorry, I used my son’s user account to log in and didn’t realised that my email or name were not there.

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    ____________ _________ _________

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
    ____________ _________ ________

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
    ____________ _________ ________

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    ____________ _________ ________

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
    ____________ _________ _________

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
    ____________ _________ _________

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
    ____________ _________ ________

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    ____________ _________ ________

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’ They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  25. Dee said

    Why it’s nice to be a dog…

    No one expects you to take a bath every day.

    Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

    When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

    If it itches, you can reach it.

    And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
    public.( Hmmmm! Nadal and Roddick!)

    You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

    If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

    You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

    Having big feet is considered an asset.

    If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

    No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

    No matter where you live, you own the place.

    Your mate never complains because you whine.

    Puppy love can last.

  26. monique said

    http://sportzfun.com/quotes/tennis.htm

  27. Sarah said

    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

    ‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked

    ‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’

    Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

    ‘No, not yet,’ She said.

    After another few minutes had elapsed,

    I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

    ‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

    Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

    ‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

    ‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

    ‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.

  28. Sarah said

    The pro football team had just finished their daily practice when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

    While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

    Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line!

    When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!! You made the team and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

    “Forget the bonus,” the turkey shouted, “I want to know if I’ll be playing Thanksgiving Day?!!”

  29. Sarah said

    Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

    A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: You crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

  30. LAV said

    Dear Sir or Madam,
    Could you possibly send daily jokes to my email, please?
    Yours truly, LAV from Russia

  31. Dee said

    Women’s English-
    1.Yes = No
    2. No = yes
    3.Maybe = no
    4. We need = I want
    5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
    8. i am not upset = Of course I am upset you moron!
    9. Do what you want= you’ll pay for this later
    10.You are very attractive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about

    Men’s English-
    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
    5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance = I’d like to have sex with you
    8. Can I call you some time = I’d like to have sex with you
    9.Do you want to go to a movie = I’d like to have sex with you
    10 can I take you out to dinner = I’d like to have sex with you
    11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I am gay

  32. Dee said

    Judas Asparagus

    A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

    This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

    I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

    Through the eyes of a child:

    The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

    In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

    Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

    Then God made the world.

    He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

    Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…….Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

    Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

    Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

    One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

    After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

    Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

    God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

    Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

    One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

    After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

    After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

    There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
    After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

    During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
    Jesus also had twelve opossums.

    The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

    Jesus was a great man… He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

    But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

    Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

  33. Dee said

    Albert Einstein Theory

    Equation 1

    Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
    Donkey = eat + sleep

    Therefore:
    Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

    Therefore:
    Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work

    In other words,
    A Human that doesn’t know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

    Equation 2

    Man = eat + sleep + earn money
    Donkey = eat + sleep

    Therefore:
    Man = Donkey + earn money

    Therefore:
    Man-earn money = Donkey

    In other words
    Man who doesn’t earn money = Donkey

    Equation 3
    Woman= eat + sleep + spend
    Donkey = eat + sleep

    Therefore:
    Woman = Donkey + spend
    Woman – spend = Donkey

    In other words,
    Woman who doesn’t spend = Donkey

    To Conclude:
    From Equation 2 and Equation 3

    Man who doesn’t earn money = Woman who doesn’t spend

    So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
    And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

    So, We have:
    Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

    Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

    Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

  34. RafaFan said

    Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
    “Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gunbelt and boots?”
    “Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.”
    “I ain’t going nowhere”, said the Sheriff.
    “Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.” He continued,
    “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said
    ‘Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town’.
    ——————————–
    A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, ”Quick, go get help!”
    She says, ”I can’t, I’m naked.”

    He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her ”lower parts” and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, ”Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.”

    The truck driver replies,”Honey, if he’s that far gone, I don’t think we can get him out again!”
    ——————————-
    Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
    Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?” Jeff admitted, “Well, yes I did.” She said “you can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

    After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

    Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

    Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?” Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you $100?” Sandy thought, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me $100.”

    “Good,” Dave says. “Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.”

  35. RafaFan said

    Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

    He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

    “Name’s Ned….Your neighbor from 40 miles away…. Having a party Friday….Thought you might like to come. About 5…”

    “Great” says Sam, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

    As Ned is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you… There’s gonna be some drinkin.”

    “Not a problem….after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.”

    Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops. “More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

    Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

    Once again Ned turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

    “Now that’s really not a problem” says Sam. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?”

    Ned stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us”.

  36. Dee said

    GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
    After 70, she becomes Tibet.. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
    Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

    THE END.

  37. chipnputt said

    In a similar vein to Dee:

    How to please a woman:

    Compliment her; respect her; cuddle her; caress her; love her; kiss her; stroke her; buy things for her; tease her; comfort her; protect her; hug her; hold her; spend money on her; wine and dine her; listen to her; care for her; stand by her; support her; hold her; honor her.

    How to please a man:

    Show up naked; bring beer.

  38. Dee said

    This is really funny!

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