Reports are coming in from world over, at my basement, of all kinds of complications from the Federer-Nadal final at Wimbledon.
Irritable bowel syndrome appears to be the most common. Do you freaks really want to have another final like that? Before you answer that, check with the millions who are running around with toilet paper rashes at ‘many’ places. They have difficulty walking straight and are now considered bow legged for life.
Some are overcome with epilepsy attacks, if they are moved beyond ten feet of the restroom. These are the ones who appreciate the flat screen technology the most – TV is now moving in.
Second on the list was the epidemic of blisters. After medical science declared sex to be the ultimate stress reliever, such incidents have become quite common. See, people respond differently to stress, except if you are a man. We need instant gratification.
Of course, if you live alone in a basement and are eternally nude, like me, with ample supply of goats, instant gratification takes on a whole new meaning. What else do you expect? The match was stessful, OK. Two consenting, well, bodies can do what they want to alleviate anxiety, can’t they? Even if one of them was tricked into drinking vodka for water. You are getting too nosey here. Back off!!!!!!!!!!
Many TV screens have been smashed. Some have a foot still stuck in the carnage. People who have never received a parking ticket in their life, were heard swearing and cursing. Carpet dealers have noticed a surge in business since the constant pacing around the house has worn the carpet out for good.
Can someone explain to me why people stand, specially at crucial points of any sporting event? Does that improve your freaking eyesight? How does that make you enjoy the moment more? Or are you trying to direct the blood circulation somewhere? At these times, I am actually more fascinated by the delusional antics of these lunatics around me, than the game itself.
There also have been cases of suicides. Some people jumped out after the fourth set, seeing no hope of a turn around from Federer. Guys, if you looking down from somewhere, do you want to smoke?
Of course, you cannot have an event like this without the inevitable – heart attacks. Decline in the number of hits at both ‘Federer and Nadal’ sites, alerted the authorities to conduct a house to house search. Many passed away even before the match started.
All this makes me wonder, if having sporting events is a good idea. Heck, yes. For me it is.