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Roddick and Blake: Get with the program or make way.

Posted by tennisplanet on May 9, 2007

How come Nadal and Canas are able to play stifling defense and are not scared to look ‘unglamorous’ while retrieving an impossible winner? How come they are able to not have shoulders that slouch when the scoreboard goes against them? Why is it that their body language never freaking changes, irrespective of whatever?

I’ll tell you why.  Actually, it’s not your fault. You see, once you are nominated as one of the sexiest players on the tour, it is obviously not becoming of you to run awkwardly after a ball, seemingly out of reach. You have to maintain some grace.

Just let the balls go past you. What you want to do is look presidential serving and making easy forehands that are fed to you with the exact trajectory.

You just want to play offense. Why not. After all, it keeps you within your comfort zone and the girls will never laugh at you scampering after a ball and God forbid falling. That will make you look like a fool and will tarnish your image.

We don’t want to do that. Actually we are so impressed that we have never seen you fall on the court and get bruised or hurt. What mastery of perfect balance and grace.

Besides, Nadal and Canas are from a different planet. They have a third eye, a third arm and they definitely have a second brain. Why would anyone like to look like them on the court? Looking helpless and on the back foot trying to retrieve balls from ridiculous corners of the court, with no guarantee that they will win the point.

See, that would be even more damaging – not winning the point after all those clown movements. We would rather you lose the point and the match and the championship than submit yourself to that degrading and pathetic play.

With so many people watching across the globe, why wouldn’t anyone understand the predicament you are in?

Here is some flash news for you: Irrespective of what freaking game you are playing in your life, it is the defense not the offense that gets you the victory, more times than none. This applies to any facet of life, not just sports, most of the times.

Of course, you know all that and have heard it a million times. And we sympathize with you that physically and mentally, Nadal and Canas have an unfair advantage over you. Obviously, if you have extra body parts, it is bound to result in a higher degree of performance.

Only if you had the same number of limbs and legs, you wouldn’t have been a one-slam wonder. That extra brain, they have really hurts, and sets you back irrevocably. We understand.

Don’t worry. Just do your best and return to your luxuries life. You have been put in an unfair position. Get over it by playing video games or taking long rides on your boat.  It’s so tragic and we sympathize with you wholeheartedly.

We just got this in: It seems their shoulder blades are designed differently and are unable to slouch even if they want to. So there you go. What a pity. This is so unfair.

We applaud you for not giving your 100 percent when you are down two sets in a five-set match. How many times has a player come back from that deficit? Very rare. So why tax yourself physically and mentally, when you are smart enough to read statistics and the logical outcome in such scenarios.

You have to play smart and fight the fight you have some chance of winning. Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels.

We appreciate how you let these matches, get over with quickly, so you can conserve your immense talents for the next tournament and again you are very quick to read any such situation in the next event and act with so much intelligence and bail out. 

We are sometimes able to notice these very subtle and ‘impossible to detect from the naked eye’ strategies you employ. We are in complete awe.

GET WITH THE FREAKING BLUEPRINT OF SUCCESS OR GIVE WAY.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!

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